Classic Funny Quotes: March 2011

Leno Funnies for March 29th '11

In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad.

Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a "kinetic military action," which sounds better than "potentially endless quagmire."

The inventor of super glue has passed away at the age of 94. The service will be closed casket, unless they can somehow pry it open.

Ouch!

This morning a lady in Starbucks said to me, "I don't want to insult you but you look like Rita Rudner." - Rita Rudner

Short Term Memory Loss?

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be. - By way of Jim Gaffigan

Air Traffic Controller Asleep!

Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice. - Jay Leno

Maybe by June.......

A 400 pound former Sumo wrestler ran in the L.A. Marathon. He should be done jiggling by June. - Conan

Joan's New Home.....

Good news! As a gift, Melissa is renting me a country house! The bad news is that the country is Libya. - Joan R.

Sheen for Pres?

Sheen For President: porn stars, lawyers, pr people, agents, drug dealers, cops, sober coaches-no one puts more people to work than Charlie. - Denis Leary

Sheen and Hilton

Charlie Sheen is apparently moving into a house next door to Paris Hilton. Cops are thrilled. Now they only have to send one car. - Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno Funnies.....

You can sit down and eat inside some grocery stores now. How fat are we getting in this country? We can't even wait until we get home now. We’re just ripping into the bags in the aisle.

The day after daylight-saving time is supposed to be the worst day of the year for car accidents, because the lower sun in the sky makes it hard for people to read their tweets while driving.

Denis Leary's Quick Irish History Lesson.....

Irish History Timeline: potatoes whisky poetry potatoes whisky music fistfights whisky NO POTATOES! potatoes whisky JFK whisky potatoes U2. - Denis Leary

Get It Together China!

The lucky numbers on my last few fortune cookies have been way off. Get it together, China! - Stephen Colbert

Wal-Mart Will Sell iPad 2

Wal-Mart will start selling the iPad 2 in spring. Though in Wal-Mart, it will be sold as “one of them real fancy cookie sheets.” - Conan

That's Roughing It Alright!

I don’t get it. I offer a deluxe weekend in Vegas for my daughter and her family but they chose Lake Arrowhead? My idea of roughing it is a thread count of under 400. - Joan R.

Clever Stephen.....

I love a good thriller. Which is why I always shoplift Tom Clancy novels from Barnes & Noble. Will I get caught? I'm on the edge of my seat! - Stephen Colbert

It's Not a Good Mix

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a woman who decided to put "International Womens Day" on "Fat Tuesday" - Patrick Noth

2,400 Year Old Bones Found in Florida...

2,400-yr-old bones found in FL. backyard. Luckily they were being held together by a pair of suspenders & used to work for CNN! - Lisa Lampanelli

Not Everyone Will do Anything for a Klondike Bar

In my last brain-freeze induced hallucination, I learned the hard way that there are a lot of things I won't do for a Klondike Bar. - Stephen Colbert

Proactive Celebs Who Promote Proactiv

Proactiv is good for your skin but even better for letting you know which celebrities need money. - Whitney Cummings

The Advantage of 3 Children is.....

The advantage of 3 children is that there is always one there to give you the stomach flu. - Jim Gaffigan

Jimmy Fallon Funnies

The president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods: Charlie Sheen.

A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.

A new study found that a chemical in your body can actually make you a bad dancer. It's called “vodka.”

A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes.