Pancakes and Popcorn

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields

Jersey Shrore vs Sopranos

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that “Jersey Shore” is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like “The Sopranos.” - Leno

Lost Luggage.....

A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for $5 million after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that’s a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, “Now you know how we feel.” - Jimmy Fallon

Joan Rivers-3 Little Words...

Melissa and I have 3 little words to keep each other in check. For me, it’s “change the will” and for Melissa, it’s “pull the plug." - Joan Rivers

The Cat Wouldn't Care.....

A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat would care one way or the other. - Jay Leno

Chocolate.....

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies. - John Q. Tullius

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE. - Linda Grayson

Cherry Juice Fights Insomnia!

Researchers discovered that drinking cherry juice can help fight insomnia. I could see that working. By the time you put on clothes, wander around town looking for the only place that sells cherry juice, and finally get back home, you’re going to be exhausted, so it’s going to be perfect. - Jimmy Fallon

Mel Gibson...

* Top Ten Signs You've Purchased a Bad iPhone:

Only accepts calls from Mel Gibson - Letterman

* Whoopi Goldberg has come to Mel’s defense. She should expect a grateful phone call from him. - Craig Ferguson

* Mel Gibson was heard on an audio tape screaming obscenities at his girlfriend. Well there’s another success story for eHarmony.  - Letterman

* On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper. - Leno

Haven't Got Anything Nice to Say?

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (daughter of Teddy Roosevelt)

And If You Don't Have An Attorney.....

Funnies from Leno.....

The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down.

Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she’s trying to help them recruit LeBron James.

Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.

Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.

It Takes Two

It takes two to get one in trouble. - Mae West

He Was a Genius!

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.  - Sid Caesar

Happy 4th of July!

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.  - Erma Bombeck

Call The Golf Course

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.  - Groucho Marx