Been Off for 150 Years

A tornado in Pennsylvania hit the Amish country. Electricity has been out for 150 years. - Leno

Steven Wright Funnies

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Pay The Extra Fee!

American Airlines says it has found cracks in the mounts that hold engines onto the wings of two of their Boeing 767 jets. They also said if you want a seat that’s far away from the cracks, you’ll now have to pay an extra fee. - Leno

Plastic Surgery

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman

Ads on License Plates?

The state legislature in Calif. is considering a bill that would allow electronic advertisements on license plates. I don’t need anything else to distract me while I’m texting. - Craig Ferguson

3 Days After Death.....

For 3 days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

Soccer

Here’s what I like about soccer: You can watch from the first minute to the last minute and you can never be sure how much time is left in the game. - Letterman

The Botox Bandit

Police in New York are looking for a woman known as the “Botox Bandit.” She has been passing bad checks in order to get spa treatments. She probably won’t be surprised when they catch her, but she will look surprised. - Jimmy Fallon

Gulf Oil Spill

The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf. - Jay Leno

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is getting so bad that now, Cubans can walk to Miami. - Letterman

What About 12 Times an Hour

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. - Erma Bombeck

Letterman Funnies.....

*  Helen Thomas had to resign over comments she made about Israel. She will be replaced by Betty White. 

*  BP claims they have a containment system for the leaking oil. Their containment system is called the “Gulf of Mexico.”

*  They say it’s going to take forever to clean up this oil spill in the Gulf, even longer than it will take to clean up Lindsay Lohan. 

National Donut Day

Happy National Donut Day to everyone. On this day, we remember the billions of donuts that sacrificed themselves for our mouths. I’m having a memorial service in my stomach. - Jimmy Kimmel

This is what’s great about this country. With 64 percent of the population overweight, we still have a holiday for donuts. - Jimmy Kimmel

Donuts come in a lot of different shapes and sizes. They’re like the Kardashians. - Craig Ferguson

Donuts are a combination of two nutritious foods: cake and fried chicken. - Craig Ferguson

Zsa Zsa...

I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? -  Zsa Zsa Gabor

A Good Marriage Would Be.....

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne

Tucked in More Times Than a Bedsheet

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. - Joan Rivers

Suburbia

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~ Bill Vaughn

Age!

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.  - Jules Feiffer 

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.  - Bob Hope