* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* President Obama is in Martha's Vineyard this week, and so far he’s played tennis . . . golf . . . he’s gone swimming . . . and now it’s rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president. * Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town-hall meeting because she wouldn’t stop yelling at him. So I’m guessing he still hasn’t patched things up with Sarah Palin.
* Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America’s future that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, “I had this exact same feeling in 1776.”
* It’s been reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies.
* An officer stopped a guy for speeding. His car was wet. He stated that the dryer at the car wash was broken so he was driving fast so that the wind would dry his car.The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
* A Policeman pulled a car over and asked the man driving why she was going 70 mph in a 50 mph zone?"I was only going 50!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the police officer replied.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back in anger.
"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's sexy wife leaned toward the window and said,
"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
* A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through automated radar.A $100 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $100.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
* On a rural road a police man pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain. Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.
Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.
This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
So hot today that the crack dealers in New York City switched to Klondike Bars.
"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal the world’s deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." - Jimmy Fallon
