Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution." - Jay Leno
When Mom and Dad Are Away......The Cats Will......
Partay!.........Partay!........................Partay!
Batteries or Toys?
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. - Bernard Manning
Dave Barry on Christmas
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. - Dave Barry
Obama by Train?
Barack Obama says he's going to get to the inauguration by train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water. -
Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson
Poor Rodney
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield
McDonalds is On a Run
McDonalds is reporting that despite the bad economy, their domestic sales were up last month. Which just goes to show you a great thing about our country you're never too poor to get fat. - Conan O'Brien
Quotes on "Meetings"
Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules:
Never arrive on time; this stamps you as a beginner. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. Be as vague as possible; this avoids irritating the others. When in doubt, suggest that a sub-committee be appointed. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for.
- Harry Chapman
A meeting is a gathering where people speak up, say nothing, then all disagree
A meeting is indispensable when you don't want to accomplish anything.
- Harry Chapman
A meeting is a gathering where people speak up, say nothing, then all disagree
A meeting is indispensable when you don't want to accomplish anything.
Position Available: Surveyor-Must Be Fast on Your Feet
Position: Surveyor
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualification: Must be fast on your feet
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualification: Must be fast on your feet
Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?
Britney Spears Jabs
“Britney Spears” were the most-searched words of the year on Yahoo!, followed by “World Wrestling Federation,” and in third place, “Barack Obama.” I think the lesson here is that Americans are not responsible enough to be using computers. - Jimmy Kimmel
Yahoo! also reported the top 10 searches by Britney Spears. No. 1 was “Where do babies keep coming from?” - Jimmy Kimmel
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