American Idol's Ratings Have Slipped
“American Idol’s” ratings have been slipping this year, so producers are thinking about making some changes to the show to make if more exciting. For example, from now on contestants will be eliminated by a sniper. - Conan O'Brien
Bad News For O.J. Simpson
Bad news for OJ Simpson: He wanted to be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” It turns out OJ will not be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” But the audition went great — only two people killed. - David Letterman
W.C. Fields-The Patter Of Little Feet
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler." - W. C. Fields
Rita and The Prom
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. - Rita Rudner
John McCain's Guide to Training Women in the Workplace
Click HERE to read Comedy Central's Blog Post-"John McCain's Guide to Training Women in the Workplace."
Baby Features and Benefits
"A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Knox
Streisand Humor!
Jokes from Craig Ferguson:
* "Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”
* “You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”
* Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .
* "Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”
* “You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”
* Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .
Rodney's Real Tough Neighborhood
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. - Rodney Dangerfield
Poor Donald
"We're were so poor when I was growing up that our mansion had no air conditioner in the elevator." - Donald Trump
Pope Humor
* "Yesterday of course was Pope Benedict's birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. As you know the Pope does not drink; he does not do drugs; and he has taken a vow of celibacy. So, it's pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party." - Jay Leno
* "These trips can be kind of tricky; often there can be some confusion and embarrassment. The Pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." - David Letterman
* "These trips can be kind of tricky; often there can be some confusion and embarrassment. The Pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." - David Letterman
ALWAYS
“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.” - Rita Rudner
Consider the Daffodil...
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.” - Jack Handy
TaxPayers!
"Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs." - Dave Barry
Woody Allen-California Garbage
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen
Letterman's "Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat
Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat
10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one
9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake
8. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins
7. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie
6. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"
5. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement
4. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"
3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes
2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes
1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger
10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one
9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake
8. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins
7. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie
6. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"
5. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement
4. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"
3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes
2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes
1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger
John McCain Has Not Been Using Secret Service Because...
John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. You see, he has Life Alert. - Jay Leno
I'm One of Them-I Agree-Don't Bother
"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever." - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
In California...
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen
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