If You Haven't Got Anything Nice to Say...
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Fred Allen's Analysis of Parties
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host. - Fred Allen
New York Hotel Lady Cashiers
Like all New York hotel lady cashiers she had red hair and had been disappointed in her first husband. - Al Capp
Influenced by Clothes?
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Stew = Heartburn
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning. - John Barrymore
Rita Dreams of Insomina
Once I went to sleep and dreamed I had insomnia. I woke up the next morning and thought 'Now I can get some sleep'. - Rita Rudner
Meant to Fly?
"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." - George Winters
Too Much Ex-Lax?
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
Family Travel
"And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind." - Dave Barry
Keep Your Head Down
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
The Secret To a Long Life!
"People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." - Doug Larson
A Perfect Summer Day!
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent
That One Special Person
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
What Happened?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
Dave Barry Turns 40 Again!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry on "Your Disintegrating Body"
Good Acting Definition
"Acting: An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." - Ralph Richardson
Tasty Wood
Some primal termite knocked on wood and tasted it, and found it good.That is why your Cousin May fell through the parlor floor today. - Ogden Nash
Woody Needs a Clear Sign
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen
Be Thankful for Slow Rolls-Royce Development!
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely
If It Weren't for Electricity...
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.
Joan Rivers is Getting Old
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. - Joan Rivers
Do Not Walk Anywhere Around Me!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. - An angry unknown
Watch Out Titanic
I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged. - Steven King
Women are Like Elephants
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W.C. Fields
Homer's Work Ethic
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson
Four Basic Food Groups Lesson
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. - Anonymous
Who's In Charge?
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. - Jerry Seinfeld
Three Blondes on Death Row
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Folk Singers and Light Bulbs
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
* Courtroom Funnies:
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Should a Man Be Taught How to Fish?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - Unknown
Anybody Care if You're Alive?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a car payment. - Unknown, but probably in debt
Jeff Foxworthy
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? - Jeff Foxworthy
First, Chat With Ex-Wife
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
New Jersey
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. - Conan OBrien
Rita's Beauty Plan
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully I plan to have face lifts till my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Member Ice T
"I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles." - Ice T
Gas-X is The Answer!
"I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite." - Les Dawson
Commercial Hatred
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock
Media Hatred
My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. - Peter De Vries
Hot Dogs and America
Only in America - do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight” - Unknown
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