You Might Be A Redneck If.......
“You might be a redneck if ...the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.” - Jeff Foxworthy
Dave Barry-Instinctive Fears
"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required” - Dave Barry
Steven Wright-Bothered By Sponges
“Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?” - Steven Wright
Ogden Nash-The Lush and The Shrew
I drink because she nags, he said I nag because he drinks.But if the truth be known to you,He's a lush and she's a shrew. - Ogden Nash
Ogden Nash-The Fertile Turtle
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decksWhich practically conceal its sex.I think it clever of the turtleIn such a fix to be so fertile. - Ogden Nash
Ogden Nash-The Pig
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon.Let others say his heart is big,I think it stupid of the Pig. - Ogden Nash
Ogden Nash-Billboards and Trees
"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all" - Ogden Nash
Rita Rudner- Aerobics
The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." - Rita Rudner
Joey Adams-TV To Fridge Exercise
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all." - Joey Adams
Thumbs and Coffee
I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee. - Flash Rosenberg
From Granny's Journal: Cats, Mice and Houseguests
From Granny's Journal: Cats, Mice and Houseguests
By Marge Holley
What is it with all the cats in the winter? Do they forget how to catch mice? They are so round and fat they look like they are going to explode, yet when you put food in front of them they eat as if they were starving. Sort of like my mother-in-law. Wait! Scratch that. Never mind. Don't. What are the chances she'll read anything I wrote? My sister-in-law can tell her.
We're having a heat wave. It warmed up to 33 degrees. The icicles started melting and falling off of the house. One of them almost got the cat, like a spear. I'm sure that the scare took away one or two of his nine lives. How come mice never have accidents. They chew through electric wires, cause fires, then run off into the fields. Maybe we could leave decoy food in the yard to lure them away from the house.
After all my house guests left, there wasn't enough food left to interest the mice. I've devised a plan to rid myself of unwanted house guests. You know the kind. They stay and stay and eat and eat and complain.
1. Let the dog lick off the plates then put them directly into the cupboard. 2. Have husband belch loudly and pick his nose at the dinner table. Of course, if the house guest husband does this too, it probably won't deter them. 3. Turn on hot water for washer when house guest is in the shower or flush the toilet. 4. Cook a lot of beans. They are cheap and loaded with protein among other things. 5. Have the neighbor children over and make sure they run through the house and get into everything. Mine do that anyway. 6. Run out of soap and toilet paper (hide some for yourself, of course). I tried running out and the house guest presented me with a grocery list. They can't find a store or their wallet to contribute. I guess that the pleasure of their company is supposed to suffice. Oh, by the way, the beans everyday finally did the trick. Do you want to borrow my bean cookbook?
Granny Marge just published her second humor book, Granny's Journal, following closely on the heels of her first one, Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.
By Marge Holley
What is it with all the cats in the winter? Do they forget how to catch mice? They are so round and fat they look like they are going to explode, yet when you put food in front of them they eat as if they were starving. Sort of like my mother-in-law. Wait! Scratch that. Never mind. Don't. What are the chances she'll read anything I wrote? My sister-in-law can tell her.
We're having a heat wave. It warmed up to 33 degrees. The icicles started melting and falling off of the house. One of them almost got the cat, like a spear. I'm sure that the scare took away one or two of his nine lives. How come mice never have accidents. They chew through electric wires, cause fires, then run off into the fields. Maybe we could leave decoy food in the yard to lure them away from the house.
After all my house guests left, there wasn't enough food left to interest the mice. I've devised a plan to rid myself of unwanted house guests. You know the kind. They stay and stay and eat and eat and complain.
1. Let the dog lick off the plates then put them directly into the cupboard. 2. Have husband belch loudly and pick his nose at the dinner table. Of course, if the house guest husband does this too, it probably won't deter them. 3. Turn on hot water for washer when house guest is in the shower or flush the toilet. 4. Cook a lot of beans. They are cheap and loaded with protein among other things. 5. Have the neighbor children over and make sure they run through the house and get into everything. Mine do that anyway. 6. Run out of soap and toilet paper (hide some for yourself, of course). I tried running out and the house guest presented me with a grocery list. They can't find a store or their wallet to contribute. I guess that the pleasure of their company is supposed to suffice. Oh, by the way, the beans everyday finally did the trick. Do you want to borrow my bean cookbook?
Granny Marge just published her second humor book, Granny's Journal, following closely on the heels of her first one, Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.
From April Fools to May Day
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"? - Author Unknown
Taxation
When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation. - Vanya Cohen
Dave Barry-Taxes
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry
Edible-Ambrose Bierce
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. - Ambrose Bierce
Brad Pitt's Grandfather's Taste
“I phoned my grandparents and my grandfather said 'we saw your movie'. 'Which one?' I said. He shouted 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?” - Brad Pitt
Mae West
Oh, Miss West, I've heard so much about you. Mae West: " Yeah, honey, but you can't prove a thing." - Mae West
Dave Barry-Try To Cooperate With IRS
“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.” - Dave Barry
Steven Wright-The Past
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” - Steven Wright
W.C. Fields-Horse Sense
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W.C. Fields
Optimism Dead?
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead. - Robert Brault
Beauty and Charm
There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. - John Erskine
Willing People
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost
The Laziest Man He Ever Met
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W.C. Fields
Charles M. Schulz Quote
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” - Charles M. Schulz
All Is Not Lost
“If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.” - Elbert Hubbard
Fool Things
“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” - Oscar Wilde
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