Erma Bombeck-The Odds
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck
Marcel Marceau Quote
".......... ... ............................... ! .... ............ .......... ...... .. ......." - Marcel Marceau
Peanuts-Don't Worry
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - The Peanuts Gang
Phyllis Diller Funny
"If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies" - Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds and His Movies
"My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." - Burt Reynolds
Somebody's Dream-Woody Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?" - Woody Allen
Lunatics-Ambrose Bierce
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce
Calvin Trillin Quote
Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist. - Calvin Trillin
Steven Wright Museum Visit
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. - Steven Wright
Simpson's Quotes
Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman
Quotes courtesy of http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman
Quotes courtesy of http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/
Billy Bob Thornton Quote
I was the fattest baby in Clark County, Arkansas. They put me in the newspaper. It was like a prize turnip. - Billy Bob Thornton
Walter Matthau's Doctor
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Orson Welles Theory
If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles
Women-Emo Philips
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..." - Emo Philips
Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - Bette Davis
Zsa Zsa's Wisdom
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Dolly Parton-Plastic Surgeons
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills. - Dolly Parton
Tallulah Bankhead's Trouble
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
Dorothy Parker Wit
"My land is bare of chattering folk; / the clouds are low along the ridges, / and sweet's the air with curly smoke / from all my burning bridges." - Dorothy Parker
A Good Place to Meet Men-Rita Rudner
"A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men have jobs and usually bathe." - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-History Moment
"The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison. . . . Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented." - Dave Barry
Social Disease-Andy Warhol
I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. - Andy Warhol
Paul Newman-Salad Dressing
The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films. - Paul Newman
Alfred Hitchcock-The Human Bladder
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock
Jimmy Fallon Funny
"Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason" - Jimmy Fallon
Ann Landers Quote
"No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic" - Ann Landers
Ogden Nash-Achieve Happiness
"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all" - Ogden Nash
Joan Hates Housework
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes— and
six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers
six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers
Henny Youngman-Secret of Long Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman
Sam Goldwyn-Yes and No Men
I hate a man who always says "yes" to me. When I say "no" I like a man who also says "no." - Samuel Goldwyn
Do Not Offend Your Company-Scott Adams
"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information." - Scott Adams
H.L.Mencken-The Jury
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - H.L. Mencken
Dr.Mani's Blogathon!
Help A Child With Heart Birth Defects
On Saturday Aug. 6, Dr. Mani, a surgeon specializing in children's heart birth defects, is putting on a "Blogathon" for kids who need life saving surgery. He will post a message to his blog every 30 minutes for 24 hrs.!! Dr. Mani's goal is to raise $100,000.00 on Aug. 6 which will sponsor 50 children. Just click the link below and visit poor hard-blogging Dr. Mani tonight or tomorrow and make a donation! Giving freely from the heart benefits the donor and the recipient!
http://www.ezinemarketingcenter.com/blog/
On Saturday Aug. 6, Dr. Mani, a surgeon specializing in children's heart birth defects, is putting on a "Blogathon" for kids who need life saving surgery. He will post a message to his blog every 30 minutes for 24 hrs.!! Dr. Mani's goal is to raise $100,000.00 on Aug. 6 which will sponsor 50 children. Just click the link below and visit poor hard-blogging Dr. Mani tonight or tomorrow and make a donation! Giving freely from the heart benefits the donor and the recipient!
http://www.ezinemarketingcenter.com/blog/
Rodney D.-Tough to Stay Married
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." - Rodney Dangerfield
Roseanne Won't vacuum
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne Barr
Rita's Fake Necklace
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-Lumber
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes." - Dave Barry
Woody Allen-Live to a Hundred!
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Men-Winston Churchill
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - Winston Churchill
Ah, Women-Friedrich Nietzsche
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Luck and Risk-Oscar Wilde
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. - Oscar Wilde
Fickleness of Women-George Bernard Shaw
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. - George Bernard Shaw
Jean Kerr-Men Driven to Speech
A man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
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