Middle Age-Bob Hope
"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning." - Bob Hope
Real Pain-Emo Philips
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." - Emo Philips
Redneck-Jeff Foxworthy
"You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard." - Jeff Foxworthy
Dachshund Dogs-Robert Benchley
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other." - Robert Benchley
Dogs-Ogden Nash
"Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways." - Ogden Nash
Dogs Feel Very Strongly-Dave Barry
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry
Will Shriner's Grandfather
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Will Shriner
Scott Adams Wit
"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs" - Scott Adams
Hot Dog Vendors-David Letterman
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts." - David Letterman
Dame Edith Sitwell
"I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art." - Dame Edith Sitwell
In Ancient Times
"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this." - Alfred Whitehead
Bill Cosby-Children's Names
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby
Dean Martin Funny
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. - Dean Martin
Erma Bombeck Quote
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. - Erma Bombeck
Rodney and Halloween
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield-Birds and Bees
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
Joan Rivers Blames Her Mother
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. - Joan Rivers
Between Four and Seven Beers-Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. - Dave Barry
The Restaurant Chronicles Part 1
The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1
By Toni Kiser
Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as “Show-biz,” don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about the theatre or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz.” Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn’t just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.
Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic’s (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!
I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, “The Restaurant Chronicles.” In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where should we begin?
The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.
The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, “I’ll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch…I don’t like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny.” Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.
The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it’s hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN,” and ask, with a blank look on their face, “Are you guys open?” The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, “Are you guys serving breakfast?” This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.
The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server’s favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the “My baby can do this…” game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual “Obstacle Course” for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.
Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well…our job.
Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.
By Toni Kiser
Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as “Show-biz,” don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about the theatre or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz.” Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn’t just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.
Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic’s (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!
I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, “The Restaurant Chronicles.” In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where should we begin?
The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.
The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, “I’ll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch…I don’t like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny.” Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.
The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it’s hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN,” and ask, with a blank look on their face, “Are you guys open?” The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, “Are you guys serving breakfast?” This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.
The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server’s favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the “My baby can do this…” game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual “Obstacle Course” for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.
Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well…our job.
Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.
Cars-Tim Allen
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
Riding With Jerks-Scott Adams
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. - Scott Adams
Trouble Getting Started-Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. - Emo Philips
Rice Cakes-Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry
Standing Ovations
"Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot." - Earl Wilson
Diet Books
"Husband to his wife: "You could lose a lot of weight if you'd just carry all your diet books around the block once a day." - Bill Hoest (cartoonist)
Jeff Foxworthy-State Fair
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' - Jeff Foxworthy
Mistakes-Zig Ziglar
"Some of us learn from other people's mistakes and the rest of us have to be other people." - Zig Ziglar
Oscar Wild Quote
"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want." - Oscar Wilde
Men With Pierced Ears-Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
Garrison Keillor Quote
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor
Training-Bill Dana
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana
Nuns and The Parrot!
* A man and his wife were out for a relaxing Sunday drive in the countryside when they noticed that a group of nuns parked on the opposite side of the road were pouring something into their gas tank from a bedpan. The man shook his head and said "Those nuns sure have a lot of faith!".
* A plumber had an appointment to unclog a drain at an apartment at 5pm on a hot and humid August day. The woman who lived in the apartment was late getting home for the appoinment and only her pet Parrot was at home. The plumber showed up at the door at 5 pm and knocked. He heard a voice say "Who is it?". The plumber politely replied "The plumber". No reply was given to the plumber. The plumber was starting to sweat and get a little irritated, once again he knocked on the door. The voice said "Who is it?". The plumber replied very loudly "The Plumber!". Once again, no reply from the voice in the apartment. The plumber, who had a heart condition and was getting very stressed out and aggravated by what appeared to be a joke being played on him, took his fist and banged very loudly on the apartment door. "Who is it?" came the voice again. The plumber unable to control his rage dropped dead of a heart attack right there in front of the door.
The woman who had made the appointment arrived at her door and saw the man lying there who appeared to be dead. She excitedly opened her door and said out loud "Who is it?". Her pet Parrot said "The Plumber!".
* A plumber had an appointment to unclog a drain at an apartment at 5pm on a hot and humid August day. The woman who lived in the apartment was late getting home for the appoinment and only her pet Parrot was at home. The plumber showed up at the door at 5 pm and knocked. He heard a voice say "Who is it?". The plumber politely replied "The plumber". No reply was given to the plumber. The plumber was starting to sweat and get a little irritated, once again he knocked on the door. The voice said "Who is it?". The plumber replied very loudly "The Plumber!". Once again, no reply from the voice in the apartment. The plumber, who had a heart condition and was getting very stressed out and aggravated by what appeared to be a joke being played on him, took his fist and banged very loudly on the apartment door. "Who is it?" came the voice again. The plumber unable to control his rage dropped dead of a heart attack right there in front of the door.
The woman who had made the appointment arrived at her door and saw the man lying there who appeared to be dead. She excitedly opened her door and said out loud "Who is it?". Her pet Parrot said "The Plumber!".
Women-Bill Vaughn
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. - Bill Vaughn
Bob Hope Quote
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
Break in Adolescence-Jules Feiffer
At sixteen I was stupid, confused and indecisive. At twenty-five I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing and assertive. At forty-five I am stupid, confused, insecure and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence? - Jules Feiffer
9 Out of 10 Doctors
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." - Jay Leno
Funny by Joan Rivers
"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name." - Joan Rivers
Progress-Samuel Butler
"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler
Emo Phillips Got in a Fight
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." - Emo Philips
Essential Laughter
Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.
There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.
Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life’s “ugh” into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, “I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles – but much more so when he laughs – it adds something to this fragment of life.” Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.
In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!
THE ACQUITTAL
Mrs. Graite had reached her limit; The pain no more could bear. Her pastor's boring sermons Had led her to mad despair.
She invited him to dinner; Prepared tasty veal. Suspecting something was not right He refused to eat the meal.
She thought, as she was led away In handcuffs to a cell, "No more boring sermons Is worth all my time in jail."
But her prison term was short 'Cause the jury heard a tape, Of the preacher's boring sermons And acquitted Mrs Graite.
This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.
There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.
Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life’s “ugh” into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, “I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles – but much more so when he laughs – it adds something to this fragment of life.” Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.
In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!
THE ACQUITTAL
Mrs. Graite had reached her limit; The pain no more could bear. Her pastor's boring sermons Had led her to mad despair.
She invited him to dinner; Prepared tasty veal. Suspecting something was not right He refused to eat the meal.
She thought, as she was led away In handcuffs to a cell, "No more boring sermons Is worth all my time in jail."
But her prison term was short 'Cause the jury heard a tape, Of the preacher's boring sermons And acquitted Mrs Graite.
This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.
Samuel Goldwyn Logic
Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn
A Wise Diner-Calvin Trillin
When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere. - Calvin Trillin
George Carlin Quote
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. - George Carlin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)