No Resolutions for Craig.....

If I make a resolution, I'm not going to do it. I don't like anyone telling me what to do. Even if it's me telling me what to do. So I end up breaking resolutions because I like to rebel against myself. - Craig Ferguson

Sinead O'Connor Divorcing...

Sinead O'Connor is divorcing her husband of 18 days on the grounds of irreconcilable tattoos. - Rita Rudner

Bravo?

Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, "Bravo!" - Jim Gaffigan

Agreed Marge...

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. - Marge Simpson

Groovin' Dog

Dog grooving to his owner's guitar music, seems upset when the music stops!

Nah!

Has anyone ever visited Wisconsin and lost weight? - Jim Gaffigan

A Survey Released Today Found.......

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. - Leno

Raw Cookie Dough Warning...

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? - Jay Leno

Dear God, Please Send Clothes.......

All Out Ban on Cell Phone Use While Driving

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was coming into work this morning. - Leno

In Ancient Mythology.....

In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage. - Craig Ferguson

Employees at Pepsi.......

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. - Leno