Mitch Hates Turkeys!
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” - Mitch Hedberg
Life Expectancy...
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. - Doug Larson
Whichever Comes First
I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. - New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers
Norman Einstein? Albert's Brother?
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theismann
You Start Out Happy...
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford
The All-Purpose Curse!
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch!
Happy and Sad Faces For News
“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry
Feeling Sleepy and Grumpy?
"Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White." - David Frost
Rectal Thermometers
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. -
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