It's Probably The 8th Habit

I hope one of the "7 Habits of Highly Successful People" is buying the book and not reading it. - Jim Gaffigan

Shortage of ADD Drugs!

There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention. - Leno

Charlie Sheen Giving Advice to Lindsay Lohan?

Charlie Sheen said he would like to give Lindsay Lohan a hug and tell her everything will be alright. Wait, Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan? That’s like — Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan - Jimmy Fallon

Decaffeinated Furniture

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. - Steven Wright

The IRS Called!

Tax day! I took a $120K deduction for makeup this year. The IRS called me in—when the agent took a look at me in daylight, he approved it! - Joan Rivers

Digiorno's Pizza and Toll House Cookies!

Digiorno's frozen pizza now comes with toll house cookies. And a defibrillator. - Denis Leary

Bacon-Scented Cologne

You can now buy bacon-scented cologne. I found 50 jokes on this topic, and they all ended with “Kirstie Alley.” - Letterman

Archaeologists believe they have found the remains of the first gay caveman. They found him in the 2nd row at a Bette Midler concert. - Letterman

Would've Been Interesting.....

Trump allegedly hired detectives to find Obama’s birth certificate. He could have made it a task on Celebrity Apprentice and saved money. - Joan Rivers

Opportunity vs Temptation

Opportunity knocks only once...But temptation, that stupid thing leans on the doorbell!  - Kevin Cook

Take Celebrity Apprentice Off the Air?

Political experts are saying NBC should take “Celebrity Apprentice” off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says “leader of the free world” like someone who can’t stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey. - Conan

Hot Tub Analysis

According to the New York Post, the house from "Jersey Shore" is now for rent. But the hot tub was sent to the Centers for Disease Control for analysis. - Leno

Outstanding!

I think I'm really good at paying my bills. because they all say "OUTSTANDING!" - Fail Whale

Being Healthy is Dangerous to Your Health?

It's possible to be too healthy. That's what killed Bruce Lee.  - Amy Poehler

It's a Sensitive Situation.....

At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted? - Fail Whale

Just Two More Countries to Go!

It’s rumored that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have adopted a child from Tunisia. So two more countries to go! - Jimmy Fallon

Jim Gaffigan Funny

Asked my 6 year old if she's been working on her listening. No answer. - Jim Gaffigan

Pres. Obama Makes it Official......

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate. - Craig Ferguson

Abercrombie & Fitch Size Chart

Hi, welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch-Our sizes are: small, x-small, anorexic, bulimic, and malnourished. - Lord Stewie

Ellen Version of The Talking Twin Babies!

Stephen King's Next Book Written by Who?

Maine Governor wants to roll back child labor laws. Kids get $1.50 an hour to write Stephen King's next book. - Denis Leary

Over a Million Suing Walmart

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally. - Leno