Joan on The Emmys.....

Betty White, at 88, looked great at the Emmys in a waterproof dress that was split up the back. Jack Kevorkian followed her around all night!

New York City Bedbug Problem

New York City has a problem with bedbugs. When I check into a hotel here, I always wear a flea collar. - David Letterman

A Woman Who Doesn't Wear Perfume...

A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future. - CoCo Chanel

Madonna's Birthday...

I went to Madonna’s birthday party last night. Wow! The cake had 52 candles on it, one for each child she’s stolen from Africa. - Joan Rivers

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it. - Samuel Goldwyn

The Cost of Living-W.C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another gallon a quart.  - W.C. Fields

Outside of a Dog.....

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.  - Groucho!

More Leno Gags.....

A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.

This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.

Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.

Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.

3 Blondes.....

3 blondes walked into a building...you'd think 1 of them would have seen it. - Anonymous

New Tech-Cars Powered by Human Waste...

A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. It's cool, but it gets a little uncomfortable when your buddy asks you to "chip in" for gas. - Jimmy Fallon

Joan Rivers -Celebs Who Adopt Kids...

Celebrities who adopt kids say: We treat all our children the same so they won't know they're adopted. Right Billy, Sally, Timmy & Mugumbo? - Joan Rivers

40 of The World's Richest Men

Forty of the world’s richest men have agreed to give away half of their wealth. Newspapers are calling it an unprecedented gesture of goodwill. But it’s not unprecedented, because I’ve given away half of my stuff twice. It’s called divorce. - Craig Ferguson

Jay Leno Funnies!

New York City has declared war on bed bugs. Apparently, it’s a huge problem there. I guess the reason New York City is infested with bed bugs is that most of the bugs don’t want to live in New Jersey.

Brewers in Austria have created a cheese-infused beer. Didn’t that used to be called “vomit?”

Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel.

Lindsay Lohan will be released this weekend. I guess they had to make room for Snooki from “Jersey Shore.”

Ahh Summer.......

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.  ~Russel Baker

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.  ~James Dent

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation.  If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.  ~Erma Bombeck