Classic Funny Quotes: February 2008

Starbucks Coffee For A Dollar?

"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." - Conan O'Brien

Tallulah Bankhead Retort

(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) "I thought I told you to wait in the car." - Tallulah Bankhead

Be careful What You Write

"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information." - Scott Adams

Revenge of The Really Bad Neighbor!

And You Think You Have A Bad Neighbor?

For your consideration ...

The Baby Thornback Ray

Squirrels Deceptively Hide Nuts!

Discovery.com has a Squirrel Behavior Study that is amusing by it's very nature. They have found that squirrels practice nut-hiding deception! They actually pretend to dig holes in the ground and hide their nuts in an effort to throw off humans and other squirrels.

Read about these crafty squirrels Here at Discovery.com!

Reality TV?

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. - Dave Barry

W.C. Fields-Bearded Relatives

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women." - W. C. Fields

Anybody Can Become President

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow

Jesus Is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

The Blonde Who Went Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

Has Bill's Campaigning Helped Hillary?

They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!” - Jay Leno

Late Show Top Ten For February 12, '08

Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today:

10.This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your president?
9. I'd like to "emancipate" Angelina Jolie
8. Sweet merciful Lord, these Applebee's riblets are delicious
7. I hope the writers' strike is over! I need my "Desperate Housewives"
6. The framers of the Constitution would care less about who injected what in their ass
5. I'm here to unite our great nation over unbelievable deals on brand-name mattresses
4. Good heavens, McCain is still around?
3. What's with the freakishly short hats?
2. Speaking of ancient dead guys, how's Letterman doing?
1. Seriously, what the hell is happening on "Lost"?

Snowboarding

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. - Dave Barry

An Occassional Table?

I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven. - Steven Wright

What Happens After We Die?

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. - Jack Handy