Definition of Architect
Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce
Steven Wright's Occassional Table
“I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.” - Steven Wright
True American Ingenuity!
“I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish" - Lefty Gomez
My Vote is For The Psychologist
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. - Jay Leno
Readers, We Have Each Other...
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other. - Dave Barry
Robert Frost's Workplace Humor
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
No False Teeth for Carol
I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? - Carol Burnett
The Closest Rita Every Came To...
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. - Rita Rudner
President Bush at Grade School Level
In a new book Mexico’s former president, Vincente Fox, says that President Bush’s Spanish is at grade-school level. Fortunately, Bush’s feelings weren’t hurt because Fox made the comments in Spanish. - Conan O'Brien
Pass On the Sweet and Sour Chicken!
"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken." - David Letterman
Earlier Tonight...
"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech about Iraq. He promised to have the troops home by speech No. 73. " - Conan O'Brien
It's For You
Middle age: When you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash
A Common Enemy
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson
Cougar on The Prowl!
Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. - John Parrott
Shirley Temple
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
Cats!
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. - Joseph Wood Krutch
This Boy Crazy
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. - Salvadore Dali
Which is More Effective-Prayer or Thievery
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” - Emo Philips
Is the Best Part of You Underground?
“A man who prides himself on his ancestry is like the potato plant, the best part of which is underground” - Spanish Proverb
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