Rita's Mother's Turkey
“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before” - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-Aerobics
“The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom” - Dave Barry
Ain't It The Truth
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists. - Leslie Moak Murray
Moments Free of Worry?
We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. - Cullen Hightower
Experience?
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
Yes, There's California
There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California. - Edward Abbey
How Many Masterpieces Were Mistakes?
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams
Bob Hope's Hope
"I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there." - Bob Hope, about his golfing
Steven Wright's Neighbors are...
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! - Steven Wright
Just Show Me Somebody Naked
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
Humor From The Horsey Set!
* Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
* Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.
* The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
*** 13 Good Reasons To Choose a Horse Over a Husband:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
* Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.
* The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
*** 13 Good Reasons To Choose a Horse Over a Husband:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
There's No Cure
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." - Dorothy Parker
Family Ghosts
If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. - Ashleigh Brilliant
All Creatures Great and Small...
"Cockroaches really put my "all creatures great and small" creed to the test." - Astrid Alauda
Beware The Bus
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. - Bob Rubin
PC vs Dog
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
Poor Cindy...
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford
Do The Rules Require That All of Them Drown?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? - Steven Wright
Husband or Bike?
"The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community." - Ann Strong
Corporation
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. - Ambrose Bierce
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