Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Frank Zappa-The Building Block of The Universe
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. - Frank Zappa
Steven Wright Saw Signs
"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." - Steven Wright
Dave Barry-6 Fundamental Forces of the Universe
“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.” - Dave Barry
Want Fries With That?
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that? - Jay Leno
Murphy's Law
"The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet." - Murphy's law
Naomi Campbell-Question of The Ages
I don't always wear underwear. When I'm in the heat, especially, I can't wear it. Like, if I'm wearing a flower dress, why do I have to wear underwear? - Naomi Campbell
Great Moments in Science
Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money. - Gary Larson
No Stupid Questions?
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
Give a Man a Fish
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." - Zenna Schaffer
Hockey
By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series. - Steve Rushin
The Best Way To Get a Puppy
"The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother - and they'll settle for a puppy every time. " - Winston Pendelton
Bikes vs. Cadillacs
Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history. - P.J. O'Rourke
Rita Rudner-Rich People
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
A "Murphy's Law"
"Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first" - One of Murphy's Laws
Never Raise Your Hand To Your Kids
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
Kicked Out of Ballet Class
“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.” - Rita Rudner
Woody Allen: Universe or Chinatown
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen
Trouble at The General Store
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." - Steven Wright
Another Samuel Goldwyn Gem
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn
Uh, Ok
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway
The Good Old Days
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. - Robert Benchley
Incompetent vs.Competent Lawyers
"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." - Evelle Younger
Perfection
"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." - Stanley J. Randall
Joan Rivers-The Key To Happiness
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers
Pardon Me
A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands. - Lord Byron
Not All Chemicals Are Bad
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry
Happiness: Cell Phone and Airplane
To be happy in this world, first you need a cell phone and then you need an airplane. Then you're truly wireless. - Ted Turner
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