Watch Where You Sit.....

When I attend the Oscars I'm on the edge of my seat. Not because I'm nominated-I just don't want to catch anything from some starlet. - Joan Rivers

Jim Gaffigan Asks.....

What is the difference between going to the airport before 7am and jumping on a grenade? - Jim Gaffigan

Then Turned Upside Down and Shaken

The inventor of the etch-a-sketch died this week. He was buried horizontally, then vertically, then horizontally. - Rita Rudner

Dan Marino

That’s the big story that broke this week — former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino fathered a secret love child back in 2005. Obviously, his wife is not too happy. In fact, he could become the first NFL player to sustain more concussions AFTER he retired. - Jay Leno

Thank You

Just explained the concept of a courtesy flush to my 7 year old son. You're welcome society. - Jim Gaffigan

Lettuce vs Kale

"How can we make lettuce taste worse?" - Inventor of Kale - Jim Gaffigan

Armstrong VS Armstrong!

Neil Armstrong said,"1 small step for man 1giant step for mankind." Lance Armstrong said,"Can I borrow your urine?" - Rita Rudner

Woods Wants to Marry Ex-Wife

Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow. - Conan O'Brien

Joan Rivers Latest Funnies.....

Jodie Foster says she plans to tell her two sons who their father is when they turn 21. Fifty bucks says it's Ellen DeGeneres.

Fair is fair. Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France while Oprah used him to win her time slot. 

My doctor told me that this flu epidemic is a lot like the Kardashians: It's not going away anytime soon

NO!

Taylor Swift took home The People's Choice Award last night. Broke up with it this morning. - Rita Rudner

7 NFL Coaches Fired

This has been a tough week for NFL coaches. Seven NFL head coaches got fired on Monday. That's a lot of job openings. That's the most job openings we've had in this country in the last four years. - Jay Leno

No Difference?

There is no difference between the sound of a woman giving birth and the sound of a woman removing ski boots. - Dave Barry