He is Doing His Best

"Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best." - Oscar Wilde

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Frank Zappa-The Building Block of The Universe

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. - Frank Zappa

Steven Wright Saw Signs

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." - Steven Wright

Dave Barry-6 Fundamental Forces of the Universe

“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.” - Dave Barry

Want Fries With That?

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that? - Jay Leno

Murphy's Law

"The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet." - Murphy's law

Naomi Campbell-Question of The Ages

I don't always wear underwear. When I'm in the heat, especially, I can't wear it. Like, if I'm wearing a flower dress, why do I have to wear underwear? - Naomi Campbell

Great Moments in Science

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money. - Gary Larson

No Stupid Questions?

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams

Give a Man a Fish

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." - Zenna Schaffer

Hockey

By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series. - Steve Rushin

The Best Way To Get a Puppy

"The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother - and they'll settle for a puppy every time. " - Winston Pendelton

Bikes vs. Cadillacs

Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history. - P.J. O'Rourke

Rita Rudner-Rich People

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner

A "Murphy's Law"

"Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first" - One of Murphy's Laws

Never Raise Your Hand To Your Kids

"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons

Kicked Out of Ballet Class

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.” - Rita Rudner

Teatime

I always fear that creation will expire before teatime. - Sydney Smith

Woody Allen: Universe or Chinatown

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen

Trouble at The General Store

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." - Steven Wright

Another Samuel Goldwyn Gem

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn

Uh, Ok

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

Cher-It's a Dirty Job...

"It's a dirty job being ridiculous, but I'll do it." - Cher

The Good Old Days

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. - Robert Benchley

Groucho-Judge and Jury

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho

Mae West-Only an Umbrella

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella. - Mae West

Incompetent vs.Competent Lawyers

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." - Evelle Younger

Pessimist.....

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. - Oscar Wilde

Perfection

"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." - Stanley J. Randall

Joan Rivers-The Key To Happiness

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers

Pardon Me

A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands. - Lord Byron

Not All Chemicals Are Bad

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry

Happiness: Cell Phone and Airplane

To be happy in this world, first you need a cell phone and then you need an airplane. Then you're truly wireless. - Ted Turner