The Dying Process Begins The Minute.....
The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau
Costume Idea? Balloon Boy!
Need a last minute idea for a Halloween costume?
How about making yourself into "Balloon Boy?"
Bette Davis
When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.
With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.
Decision Making
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results. - Scott Adams
Men-Beware of That Underwear Dust!
Guys-BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, dear; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
*** Courtesy of "Lila." R.I.P. November 1st 2009. You won't be forgotten!
The Secret of Life
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho
A New Way of Doing CPR
Last Night on “Larry King Live,” CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta demonstrated a new way of doing CPR. Luckily for Larry King, it worked. - Conan O'Brien
Columbus Day
So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it,And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,
And the fetters gave him welts,
And they named America after somebody else.
~Ogden Nash, Columbus
Craigslist Ad: Renting Out My Bathroom
"I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better."
DVD Replaces Owner's Manuals
This week Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owner’s manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota. - Conan O'Brien
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