Classic Funny Quotes: October 2011

Gluten-Free is Code?

So gluten-free is code for tastes horrible? - Jim Gaffigan

A New York Halloween.......

Here in New York City, Halloween a little bit different. You get that knock at the door, you open it up, and there are four guys with masks. - David Letterman

Monopoly!

Breaking: The newest version of the game "Monopoly" will come with a government bail-out option. - The Fake CNN News on Twitter

Rich People More Depressed.......

Health: Rich people have higher depression rates than poor people. Mainly because poor people can't afford to be diagnosed with depression - The Fake CNN News on Twitter

Anita Renfroe - You Raise Me Up!

Another great parody by Anita Renfroe called "You Raise Me Up" - A tribute to Underwire:

Rita Rudner on Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan late for her job at the morgue. Dead people furious. - Rita Rudner

Craig Ferguson Funnies

It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China.

Las Vegas is a weird place for politics. Why would something known for sleazebags, prostitutes, and gambling want to be associated with Las Vegas?

One town in Alaska is called Deadhorse. Another one is called — and I'm not making this up — Manley hot springs. Which is also the name of a club here in West Hollywood.

If Only.......

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out. - Jim Gaffigan

Lampanelli Slams Demi-Ashton!!

Moving truck allegedly seen outside Demi & Ashton’s house. Comes a time when every young man needs to move out of his mother’s house! - Lisa Lampanelli

We Have No Idea

Let's all stop speculating about Ashton and Demi. We have no idea what those two are going through...aside from puberty and menopause. - Joan Rivers

Nissan is Developing a Car That Can.....

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. The 1ST thought it usually picks up is “I wish I could have afforded that BMW.” - The Fake CNN on Twitter

The Truth

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Rodney Dangerfield

Leno Funnies!

A woman gave birth to a baby girl right after completing the Bank of America marathon. Because it was Bank of America, they charged her $5 to take the baby out.

A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.

San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, “Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.”

With Free Delivery.....

Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received. - Jimmy Kimmel

$50 Billion a Year on Pets!

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio, while I was driving over to my cat's apartment. - Jimmy Fallon

Steven Wright Planted Bird Seed

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright

Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......

Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?” - Jim Gaffigan

Baseball Wisdom

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry

A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. - Humphrey Bogart

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. - Tom Clark

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings. - Earl Wilson

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. - Woody Allen

Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there? - Larry Anderson

The great thing about baseball is that there's a crisis every day. - Gabe Paul

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. - A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977