The Average Child
A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he’s average. - Jimmy Fallon
Fire Hydrant Factory Problems
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - Steven Wright
Jimmie Fallon Funnies.....
According to new research, unattractive defendants are 22 percent more likely to be convicted than good-looking ones. Although to be fair, the good-looking defendants have a much harder time after they're convicted. During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago
A new study found that the average man tells 1,092 lies a year. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that — it’s actually 1,091.
Leno: Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state. - Jay leno
Erma Bombeck-My Theory on Housework
Violence and Smut.....
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. - Dave Barry
Watch The Olives!
George Carlin Funnies
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Passionate About Technology?
President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. - Craig Ferguson
Regular or Unleaded?
In Honor of Cows
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. - Ambrose Bierce
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. - Fred Allen
Pathetic...
"A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are." - Chauncey Mitchell Depew
Social Network Sites
A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites. - Jimmy Fallon
Letterman.......
On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration.
It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.
Never Lend Your Car to Them
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
Robert Benchley.....
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