Jeff Bridges-Designated Drivers

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Bridges

Dennis Leary Quote

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. - Dennis Leary

The Weather

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation - Kin Hubbard

Ogden Nash Wit

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of - Ogden Nash

Cannibal-Jack Benny

"A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter." - Jack Benny

Cooking-Nora Ephron

"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you." - Nora Ephron

Groucho-Dance

"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows when you came home." - Groucho (movie quote)

Funny by Dave Barry

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering there are men on base." - Dave Barry

Sea World!

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God . . . .I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

Popularity

"Popularity comes from allowing yourself to be bored by people while pretending to enjoy it." - Karol Newlin

To My Loving Wife

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving WifeFrom: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

A Truck Drivers Duty

A truck drivers duty

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. - Steven Wright

Woody Allen Funny

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

Rodney Dangerfield Funny

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

Children-Roseanne Barr

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne Barr

Shopping-Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. - Rita Rudner

Lily Tomlin Quote

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - Lily Tomlin

Abigail Van Buren Quote

Women who miscalculate are called mothers. Abigail Van Buren

James Thurber Quote

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? - James Thurber

Jean Kerr Funny

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr

Wit by Shirley MacLaine

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

Age-Helen Hayes

Age is not important unless you're a cheese. - Helen Hayes

Tallulah Bankhead

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education. - Tallulah Bankhead

Funny by David Frost

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home." - David Frost

Ernie Kovacs Funny

"Television is a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." - Ernie Kovacs

Samuel Goldwyn!

"In two words: im-possible." - Samuel Goldwyn

Funny by Mark Russell

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell

Income-Josh Billings

"Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so." - Josh Billings

Oscar Wilde Quote

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them quite so much. - Oscar Wilde

Adam and Eve-Mark Twain

Adam and Eve had many advantages but the principal one was that they escaped teething. - Mark Twain

Woody Allen Wit

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

Bagpipes-Alfred Hitchcock

I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. - Alfred Hitchcock

Henny Youngman Funny

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

Rita Rudner Funny

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Alan King Funny

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King

Divorce-Groucho!

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife." - Groucho

Two Beautiful Words-Dorothy Parker

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed." - Dorothy Parker

Funny from Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books . . . not on purpose. - Steven Wright

Funny from W.C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - W.C. Fields

Bill Cosby Quote

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. - Bill Cosby

Orson Welles Quote

When you are down and out something always turns up-and it is usually the noses of your friends. - Orson Welles

Jack Nicholson Quote

"This town needs an enema!" - Jack Nicholson (as the Joker in Batman)

Samuel Goldwyn Quote

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

Dave Barry-"Config.SYS" Settings

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. - Dave Barry

Wit by Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike Milligan

Funny from George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin

Lenny Bruce Funny

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. - Lenny Bruce

Jack Benny Wit

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny

Dizzy Dean Quote

It puzzles me how they know what corners are good for filling stations. Just how did they know gas and oil was under there? - Dizzy Dean

Jacqueline Kennedy Quote

The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jacqueline Kennedy

Funny by Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. - Amrose Bierce

A Friend-Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. - Erma Bombeck

Groucho!

"Blood's not thicker than money." - Groucho Marx

Wit From Earl Wilson

"Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas." - Earl Wilson

Hermione Gingold Quote

"Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue." - Hermione Gingold

Steven Wright Wit

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" - Steven Wright

Confidence-Zig Ziglar

"Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you." - Zig Ziglar

Funny By Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. - Jeff Foxworthy

Dolly Parton Quote

I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton

Redneck Love Story

Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, But Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe And planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, He said "There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said "Honey chile, Do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

Most People-Diana Vreeland

What do I think about the way most people dress? Most people are not something one thinks about. - Diana Vreeland

Samuel Goldwyn Quote

Our comedies are not to be laughed at. - Producer Samuel Goldwyn

Wit by Dorothy Parker

By the time you swear you are his, shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is infinite and undying- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying - Dorothy Parker

Emo Philips Funny

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." - Emo Philips

Lucille Ball Quote

"I don't do T & A very well because I haven't got much of either." - Lucille Ball

Marriage-Ogden Nash

"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up" - Ogden Nash

Dave Barry and His Therapist

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." - Dave Barry

Steven Wright Funny

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. - Steven Wright

Never Jealous-Jeff Foxworthy

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. - Jeff Foxworthy

George Carlin Funny

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin

PMS-Roseanne Barr

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself. - Roseanne Barr

Zsa Zsa!

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor