A Woman of Accomplishment

Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” - Conan O'Brien

Canine Justice Will Prevail!

Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that? - Jay Leno

Big Sisters...

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. - Charles M. Schulz

Hollywood?

“Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.” - Erica Jong

Hummer vs Hybrid!

"Fe fi fo fum, I smell the oil of a hybrid scum" - Angry Hummer Bumper Sticker

Carpe Diem But Not at 6am!

"I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet." - Joanne Sherman

Watching Your Daughter...

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." - Jim Bishop

Politicians Are Like Diapers?

"Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. " - A Wise Unknown Author

Murder is Always a Mistake

“Murder is always a mistake - one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner” - Oscar Wilde

Kitty Quotes

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." - Anonymous Wife

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

A Horse's Horse: The Wonderful Mr. Ed!

"I never play horseshoes because mother taught us not to throw our clothes around."
-Mr. Ed

The Most Common Allergy

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. - James Thurber

What's Denigrate Mean?

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart

Best Crime Practices

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Anonymous

Rodney's Wife

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. - Rodney Dangerfield

Beware The Less Traveled Road!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. -

This Keeps Parents Going

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller

An Irishman, A Mexican and a Blonde

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Men's Magazines

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

Steven's Psychic Girlfriend

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright

Condensed Milk

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. - Fred Allen

Albert Einstein and Snickers

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers." - Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

Rita Requested a Fake

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." - Rita Rudner

Erma Sums Up The Fourth!

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. - Erma Bombeck

Women-Don't Get a Tattoo.

"Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor." - Billy Elmer

A Steak in Reality!

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen