Leno On Bailout and Banks

* The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.

* The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.

* To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.

Funny Sid Caesar

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar

Rodney Drinks Way Too Much

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Will Rodgers Timely Wisdom

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

If This is Your Harley-You're a Redneck!

Not a Good Sign

Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon. - Jay Leno

Hilly Ignoring Sarah?

Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women. - Craig Ferguson

No Food Channel Satisfaction

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye." - Jerry Seinfeld

Norman Einstein?

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theismann

Woody's Not Afraid To Die.....

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Actor Presented by Robert De Niro and Al Pacino

Letterman's Top Ten (warning-language used):

10. Sometimes when I go to the movies, the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter (Al Pacino)

9. Every time I go to work, I get to ask myself, "I wonder if I'll see Harvey Keitel naked" (Robert De Niro)

8. Well, you've got to keep honing your craft, or you could end up out of the business and taking a job as Governor of California (Al Pacino)

7. If you do a scene where you're eating pudding, they often let you keep the pudding (Robert De Niro)

6. I got to meet Spider-Man (Al Pacino)

5. It's the makeup. I like wearing the makeup. (Robert De Niro)

4. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to let people know I'm still alive (Al Pacino)

3. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to see if Al was still alive (Robert De Niro)

2. Beats my old gig as a hockey mom (Al Pacino)

1. Get to read well-crafted dialogue like, "Get the f*** out of here" (Robert De Niro)

You Know You're a Redneck If Your Wedding Cake Looked Like This...