Reunited With Their Lost Bulldog

A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?” - Jimmy Fallon

Peanut Allergy Drama

At this point why don’t they just open a separate school for kids that don’t have a peanut allergy? - Jim Gaffigan

It Makes Sense!

Just heard that dog owners subconsciously select breeds that match their personalities. It makes sense why I rescue bitches. - Joan Rivers

When Twitter is Down

You learn a lot when #Twitter is down. For example, my wife left me four years ago. - Andy Borowitz

Snookie Decorating Child's Nursery

Just read that Snooki's decorating her child’s nursery herself. Over the bassinet she’s hanging a mobile made entirely from old empties. - Joan Rivers

Americans Exercising?

Lance Armstrong may be in trouble again. An anti-doping agency accused him of using performance-enhancing drugs. Federal authorities got suspicious when they noticed an American was exercising. - Jimmy Kimmel

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall......

My birthday tradition: I ask, "Mirror, mirror on the wall..." and the mirror quickly replies, "After 79 years, it's STILL 'not you'!" - Joan Rivers

Coffee Drinkers Live Longer?

A new study claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who don't drink coffee. Of course, they spend so much time waiting in line at Starbucks that it evens out. - Conan O'Brien