Watch Out for Dinner Parties!
The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau
Jay Leno Quote
“Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'” - Jay Leno
Another Gem from Old Sam!
“Mr. Goldwyn's secretary was cleaning out his file cabinets one day. She asked Samuel if she could toss out the files that have been inactive for more than 10 years. He answered, 'Of course, but make sure you keep copies.'” - Samuel Goldwyn
Success-Great Deordorant
Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells. - Elizabeth Taylor
Rita Rudner: Warning Labels and Pregnancy
"They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way" - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry: News Stories
“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry
Mark Twain: Fools vs. Lightning
“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.” - Mark Twain
Voted World's Funniest Joke!?!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Beware Boston
"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there." - Fred Allen
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