Phyllis Diller-You Know You're Old When

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type" - Phyllis Diller

Fred Allen-Long Walks

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen

All Women Are Crazy!

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields

When Cats Leap

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. - Alisha Everett

Steven Wright-Insane Neighbors

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - Steven Wright

Suggestion For New Zealand

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. - Lewis Black

George Burns Wisdom

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns

What's With You Men?

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? - Erma Bombeck

Billy Barty Quote

The name of my condition is Cartilage Hair Syndrome Hypoplasia, but you can just call me Billy. - Billy Barty

Cathy Guisewite Funny

"Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups." - Cathy Guisewite

Lewis Grizzard-Life is....

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard

Grandmother Doesn't Need Glasses

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman