Erma Bombeck-The Odds

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck

Marcel Marceau Quote

".......... ... ............................... ! .... ............ .......... ...... .. ......." - Marcel Marceau

Peanuts-Don't Worry

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - The Peanuts Gang

Phyllis Diller Funny

"If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies" - Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds and His Movies

"My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." - Burt Reynolds

Somebody's Dream-Woody Allen

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?" - Woody Allen

Lunatics-Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce

Calvin Trillin Quote

Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist. - Calvin Trillin

Steven Wright Museum Visit

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. - Steven Wright

Simpson's Quotes

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Quotes courtesy of http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/

Billy Bob Thornton Quote

I was the fattest baby in Clark County, Arkansas. They put me in the newspaper. It was like a prize turnip. - Billy Bob Thornton

Walter Matthau's Doctor

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau