Jay Leno Woke Up This Morning to ...

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan's back in court again. - Jay Leno

Vatican Smoke FAQ

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs. - David Letterman

Dining at IKEA?

Last week horse meat was discovered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store. - Conan O'Brien

Screen Writer David Coffeshall Wonders.....

Spent the past 20 minutes googling how to sharpen an ax blade, so I'm guessing I'm on some sort of serial killer watch-list now. - Screen Writer David Coggeshall

Can't Wait!

Can't wait to see former Pope Benedict on Dancing With The Stars! - Jim Gaffigan

Too Much Information!

Took a Carnival Cruise. Some people were on the Fantasy. Others were on the Ecstasy. I was on the Hysterectomy. - Rita Rudner

Paid in Peanuts?

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving." - Conan O'Brien

Watch Where You Sit.....

When I attend the Oscars I'm on the edge of my seat. Not because I'm nominated-I just don't want to catch anything from some starlet. - Joan Rivers

Jim Gaffigan Asks.....

What is the difference between going to the airport before 7am and jumping on a grenade? - Jim Gaffigan

Then Turned Upside Down and Shaken

The inventor of the etch-a-sketch died this week. He was buried horizontally, then vertically, then horizontally. - Rita Rudner

Dan Marino

That’s the big story that broke this week — former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino fathered a secret love child back in 2005. Obviously, his wife is not too happy. In fact, he could become the first NFL player to sustain more concussions AFTER he retired. - Jay Leno

Thank You

Just explained the concept of a courtesy flush to my 7 year old son. You're welcome society. - Jim Gaffigan