So Say We All!

$16 grand for a Super Bowl ticket? I'll pay 20 grand if it means Madonna doesn't sing. - Denis Leary

Conan Dissing Walmart Shoppers!

A Florida man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt shots at Wal-Mart. It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at up-skirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers. - Conan O'Brien

After 1?

If God didn’t want us to eat late at night why did he make everything taste better at 1am? - Jim Gaffigan

Dave Barry on LinkedIn

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. - Dave Barry

Ot Oh!

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it's a nickname they give you based on your search history. - Jay Leno

Joan Rivers & Plastic Surgery

I believe plastic surgery is Daylight Savings Time for your face. Tune in tonight as I try to set the old clock back again.

Plastic Surgery-I’ve got a decision to make. Time for me to put on a brave face. There are doctors who can do that for you now, right? 

My face is like the L.A. 405 freeway! They’ve been working on it for years and it never seems to get done.

Bedtime Equals.....

The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children. - Jim Gaffigan

Betty White Turns 90!

"Betty, you're going to hear a lot of jokes tonight about your age. But take comfort in the fact that come tomorrow, you won't remember any of them." - Amy Poehler

"Like many of you, I first heard about Betty from the wonderful stories told to me by my grandmother." - Carol Burnett

"I've been the luckiest old broad on two feet to have all the jobs that I've had," White gushed. - Betty White

Rat Hopping at Mickey D's

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. - David Letterman

There's a New App...

There's a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. - Jay Leno

Burger King Delivers

If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Well, think about it. I mean, some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King - David Letterman

Never Use Profanities Except When Discussing...

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. - Mark Twain
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