Leno Funnies!

A woman gave birth to a baby girl right after completing the Bank of America marathon. Because it was Bank of America, they charged her $5 to take the baby out.

A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.

San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, “Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.”

With Free Delivery.....

Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received. - Jimmy Kimmel

$50 Billion a Year on Pets!

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio, while I was driving over to my cat's apartment. - Jimmy Fallon

Steven Wright Planted Bird Seed

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright

Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......

Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?” - Jim Gaffigan

Baseball Wisdom

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.  - Dave Barry

A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz.  - Humphrey Bogart


I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.  - Tom Clark

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.  - Earl Wilson


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.  - Woody Allen

Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?  - Larry Anderson

The great thing about baseball is that there's a crisis every day.  - Gabe Paul

It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.  - A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977

Twitter's FakeCNN News.....

POLL: 89% of people that watch 'Hoarders' say the show makes them feel tidy.

Study: Wearing makeup makes women seem more attractive and competent. Apparently the people conducting the study never watched Jersey Shore.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. Otherwise known as the Starbucks business model.

Moose Huntin' Time!

Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. - Jimmy Kimmel

Leonard Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy has announced that he will no longer attend "Star Trek" conventions. He's going to pursue his lifelong goal of being in anything other than "Star Trek."

He told his fans to live long and prosper and pleased stop wasting your lives on a TV show that hasn't been on in 45 years.

Denmark Charging a Fat Food Tax

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. - Leno

Sign of The Times.....

Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone’s sticking it to those people with less than $6,000! - Jimmy Fallon

Demi and Ashton

I'm not blaming Demi for Ashton's cheating, but that's what happens when you let your younger husband have unsupervised play dates. - Joan Rivers