Letterman

There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? - Letterman

Obviously Not

At this point is there a reality show premise that's ever been turned down? - Jim Gaffigan

Oh Joan!

Good news! I have been named "Body of the Year!" The bad news? I'm being honored by a chain of funeral homes.

Just read that a Connecticut granny spent her 82nd birthday skydiving! She landed safely where her breasts were already waiting for her.

That's Where It Went!

After you leave the office, the cleaning staff finds, then eats all your hidden "shame chocolate." - Twitter's Drinkatwork

Starbuck's CEO halts Contributions....

The CEO of Starbucks says he’s withholding all political contributions until lawmakers finally deal with the nation’s debt.

…  Our huge budget deficit is the result of excessive spending, reduced tax revenue, and the cost of the venti Mocha Frappuccino.

I Doubt It

The Dow is officially more volatile than Charlie Sheen. - Rita Rudner

Bert and Ernie-What?

Sesame St says Bert & Ernie are not gay. Brought to you by the letters AC DC. - Denis Leary

A Fortune!

“American Idol” gave J.Lo a raise and Steven Tyler wants one too. I can’t blame him. It costs a fortune to look like a post-menopausal woman - Joan Rivers

How Much for Fro Yo?

Why didn’t they just name this place “You Wouldn’t Believe What We Charge For Yogurt.”? - Jim Gaffigan

Must Be Wealthy to be Healthy!

A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, “Cool, I saved $380 this year!” - Jimmy Fallon

6 Week Old Baby......

My 6-week old baby reminds me of my father. He blankly stares at me when he’s not screaming - Jim Gaffigan

Healthier Happy Meals!

McDonald's announced that it’s making Happy Meals healthier for kids, which I guess means no toys from China decorated in lead paint. - Joan Rivers