Classic Funny Quotes: February 2012

Gambling Addiction?

Researchers in Japan are working on a new drug that could treat gambling addiction. But I’ll bet you 2-to-1 it doesn’t work. - Jimmy Fallon

Chris Brown and Rihanna

Chris Brown and Rihanna have reunited to record two new songs, although I hear it's something they just slapped together. - Joan Rivers

Leno's Food Riffs.....

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.

Jim Gaffigan's Food Riffs

"Organic" means diet, right?

Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.

Finally a bite size McNugget. Now I don't have to waste energy chewing.

Happy President's Day.....

Happy President’s Day! There should be a “First Ladies Day” to honor the women who suffered while their husbands slept around with interns. - Joan Rivers

Almost.....

I’m so hungry I could eat something healthy. - Jim Gaffigan

Leno on Chinese V.P. Los Angeles Visit

China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.

The Chinese vice president said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

Clean Humor

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. - Jay Leno

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work

Judy, making an entire outfit from paperclips does not make you the "office Lady Gaga." And PLEASE add some Post-its to cover "down there."

We won't be ordering any more of the "Weekday Sadness" blend for the Keurig. We'll still stock "Goin' Nowhere" and "Not Cocoa."

Jim Gaffigan's Valentine's Day Forecast

And here’s your Valentine’s Day forecast:

Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

Severe Punishment for Madonna Stalker

Police recaptured Madonna's stalker. As a punishment, they're making him watch that movie she just wrote and directed. - Rita Rudner

Stallone & Schwarzenegger

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teaming up for an action-adventure movie thriller. They think it will be the movie of the year. Yeah, the year is 1983.

I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.

The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.

Being Imperfect

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. - Doug Larson

Steven Wright Funnies.....

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.