Classic Funny Quotes

Happy Memorial Day!

2012-05-28T05:06:00.002-07:00

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
~Lee Greenwood

Organic Foods

2012-05-26T05:46:00.001-07:00

New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius. - Jay Leno

A Recent Survey Found That.......

2012-05-25T04:06:00.001-07:00

A recent survey found that more men are finding work in fields that are historically dominated by women. I heard it from a nun at my church — Sister Gary. - Jimmy Fallon

Remote SAP Button?

2012-05-25T04:03:00.002-07:00

The guy who invented the TV remote control passed away. And with him died the secret of what the SAP button does. - David Letterman

Mr. T Pities The Fool Who.....

2012-05-23T06:01:00.002-07:00

Happy birthday to Mr. T, who turned 60 years old today. You can tell he is getting old. Today he pitied the fool who couldn't get Barry Manilow tickets. - Jimmy Fallon

If There Was an Award.....

2012-05-22T04:58:00.001-07:00

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated. - Jim Gaffigan

Don Rickles at 86

2012-05-17T04:41:00.003-07:00

This month of May I'm doing nothing because I'm exhausted from blowing out the candles on my birthday cake - Don Rickles

Texting Tickets in NJ

2012-05-15T05:30:00.002-07:00

Cops in Fort Lee, NJ are ticketing pedestrians who text while walking. Wouldn't it be easier to send the summons via text message? - Joan Rivers

At Least!

2012-05-12T04:59:00.002-07:00

Time magazine is getting attention for its new cover, which shows a woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. The issue is expected to make millions of dollars — and that’s just for the kid’s therapist. - Jimmy Fallon

A Little Mother's Day Advice

2012-05-12T04:46:00.001-07:00

A little Mother's Day advice: Always give children the freedom to make mistakes. And THEN never miss a chance to say “I told you so” - Joan Rivers

Interesting!

2012-05-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again. - Michael Hoy

Facebook's Net Worth

2012-05-10T06:02:00.002-07:00

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. - Jay Leno

Can't Go 10 Minutes Without Lying?

2012-05-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. - Jimmy Fallon

Gluten Free Stuff

2012-05-08T04:54:00.001-07:00

Besides tasting terrible, that gluten-free stuff is great - Jim Gaffigan

RIP Amarillo Slim

2012-05-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing. - Jay Leno

Genius!

2012-05-03T05:15:00.002-07:00

Genius. Colleges withholding transcripts of students late on loans so they can't get jobs and pay loans. - Twitter's PourMeCoffee

Congrats!

2012-05-02T05:27:00.002-07:00

It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters. - David Letterman

The Lost Milkman

2012-05-01T05:41:00.002-07:00

The job of “milkman” is lost to the ages, and with it, the concept of drinking something a stranger left on your porch the night before. - Dana Gould

Soda or Intervention?

2012-04-26T05:23:00.001-07:00

Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention. - Conan O'Brien

Last Minute Cancellation by ...

2012-04-26T05:21:00.001-07:00

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac Hologram. - Jimmy Fallon

Today's Terrible Pun

2012-04-26T05:12:00.004-07:00

After I eat a gyro I always falafel. - Jim Gaffigan

Russian Man Wrecks Car Dealership

2012-04-24T05:06:00.000-07:00

This Russian man got tired of waiting for his repaired car to be brought out to him and decided revenge was the remedy for bad customer service:

Poor Joan

2012-04-23T05:41:00.003-07:00

The IRS called me in because I deducted $400,000 for hair and makeup. They took one look at me in direct sunlight and approved it. - Joan Rivers

Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......

2012-04-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

What vitamin do you have to give kids to get them to flush the toilet? - Jim Gaffigan

Justin Timberlake Home Decor?

2012-04-20T05:03:00.001-07:00

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. - Craig Ferguson